Public Eavesdropping
by CreativelyCrazy
Summary: A little collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of my local paper. Nutritional facts: Silliness: 67 Fluff: 13 Funnies: 15 Bizzare: 5
1. Default Chapter

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter One: Minature Fellytones?**

**"You'll have to call me back on my other cell phone.''**

Ron and Harry heard a woman saying that between platforms 9 and 10. They were about to run through the barrier when Mr. Weasley yelled, "LOOK!! A SMALL FELLYTON-"

Hermione had clapped her hand over his mouth. "Shhhhhhhhh! She whispered, you'll get the attention of the Muggles!"

Unfortunately, Arthur (who had never seen such a small fellytone,) Ron (who was just as transfixed as his father,) and Harry (who had never seen one, because of his inprisonment with the Dursleys) were staring.

The woman had this fellytone over one ear, and her hand covering the other. "No, I don't want my ex to be at the wedding rehearsal!"

Silence.

"That's not what you said?"

More silence.

"NO, I DON'T WANT YOU IN BED!!" She screamed, with a scandalized tone of voice.

She waited for a response.

"Look, we're having bad reception. You'll have to call me back on my other cellphone."

Mr. Weasley asked Harry, "So those miniature fellytones are called cellybones? I must find one of those..."

**A/N: **Did you like it so far? Remember, these are ficlets, so this little bit of a story will not be continued.


	2. Lightsabers?

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Two: Lightsabers?**

"**I'm bringing my lightsaber to work on Monday."**

"What's a litesaver?" Ron had asked, puzzled. He had heard Hermione's father talking about it to her mother as they were leaving Hermione's house.

Incredulously, Hermione's father had yelled, "YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF A LIGHTSABER!?!?! MY BOY, THE FORCE MUST NOT BE WITH YOU!!!"

Ron's dad thought that Hermione's dad was stark raving nutters. _Arthur Weasley saying someone was crazy?_ Now that's saying something.

Mr. Granger ranted on. "You are not leaving until you learn what a lightsaber is. We're watching a movie." He popped a DVD of Star Wars into the player.

Mr. Weasley marveled at the muggle device. "Clever, those Muggles are..."

Then a battling Luke and Darth Vader jumped onto the screen.

"Shong! Shing shonkg! Fwoosh!"

"See those light sticks? They're LIGHTSABERS!"

"Muggle dueling I see?" Ron's dad inquired.

"Well, we have to go now." Hermione said, embarrassed by her dad, a rabid Star Wars fan.

"Goodbye," they said to Mr. and Mrs. Granger.

"BYE!! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!!" Mr. Granger yelled.

"What's the Force?" Ron asked Hermione before Flooing to the Burrow.

Hermione sighed.

"It doesn't matter," she said, while picking up a handful of Floo powder. "The Burrow!"

**A/N: **Heeeheeee...Star Wars. Me like! Now reeeevieeeeewwwww! And may the Force be with you!


	3. Truth Wears Pants?

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary:** A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N**: The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Thanks to all the reviewers!**

**Chapter Three:** Truth wears pants?!!?

**"Look, J.C., I've heard this from you before. The light can get halfway around the world before the truth even has its pants on.''**

The old man was muttering to himself while walking through Diagon Alley.

Hermione was about to run up to the man and give him the biggest telling-off of his long, long life, but Ron restrained her.

"No, Hermione. He's nutters. Don't bother."

"But Ron!" Hermione was quite distressed that day, her hair was more bushy than ever.

"No."

Harry had also heard the man's rambling; he wanted to know what the heck was going on. So he cried, "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?"

Ron and Hermione replied, in unison, "We have NO clue."

"He said the truth wears pants! What did he mean by that?" Ron asked, more confused than ever.

For once, Hermione could not answer a question.

Silence.

Ron's facial expression brightened. "Wow! For once Hermione doesn't have an answer! So she DOESN'T know all the answers!"

"Well duh." Hermione replied. She went on to say, "If I knew all the answers, I'd know how to make you stop asking such stupid questions."

Ron opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't.

**A/N:** I'm starting to like these ficlets...-gets glint in eyes-


	4. Ron's Stupid, Stupid Questions

**Public Eavedropping**

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **Thanks to all my reviewers...only three? –sob-

**Disclaimer: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Four: **Ron's Stupid, Stupid Questions

"Exactly how close to Seabiscuit's grave is your house?'' 

Only an hour ago had they passed the strange man talking about pants when they met two Muggle women walking through London. They were conversing about Sea Biscuits and Triple Cows.

Hermione thought, "Good thing Mr. Weasley isn't here."

"WHAT?!" Ron wondered.

"Here we go again," Harry mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Mione, what's a Sea Biscuit?"

"It's a horse, Ron. Muggles like to race horses."

"Then what's a Triple Cow?"

"Triple Crown, Ron." Hermione snapped. "Hurry it up, I don't want to be late for the Hogwarts Express!"

Ron was whining. "BUT I WANNA KNOW WHAT A TRIPLE COW IS!!"

"Ron, it's Triple CROWN!!! Now shut up, I can't take many more of your stupid questions."

"Fine. Harry, do YOU know what a Triple Crow is?"

"Like Hermione said, it's a Triple Crown. A triple crown is..."

"Don't tell him! He'll just ask more stupid questions!"

"But I want to know!"

"Too bad."

"Ron has a right to know, Hermione. Just let me tell him."

"No."

"Oh, come on, 'Mione! Let him tell me!"

Hermione sighed. "Fine, I'll tell you. A Triple Crown is a game where the horse wears three flaming crowns on their head until they burn to death."

"NOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAHH!! THAT'S SO SAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!" Ron bawled.

Harry sighed. "They're simply hopeless."

**A/N: **Like, ya like? WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE REVIEW, THEN! OH MY LIKE GAWD!!!


	5. Mini Golf and an Argument

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

Muchas thankies to the reviewers! I'd respond right now, but I'm running out of time...

**A/N: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Five: Mini Golf?**

**"It's not like you're Cinderella and I'm the evil stepmother saying you can't go to the ball. There will be other chances to go miniature golfing, trust me.'' **

A witch was talking to her daughter, scolding her about her whining about mini golf at Platform 9 and ¾.

"What's mini golf?" Ron asked, always the clueless one.

"Muggle sport," Harry mumbled. "Dudders had a mini golf party when I was seven. They kept whacking me with their clubs, and then they hung me up on the windmill."

"Just...don't ask." Hermione pointedly told Ron.

"Fine. I won't ask what mingold is. But what's does a windmill have to do with minigold?"

Harry replied, "Mini GOLF is like an obstacle course, like Quidditch in a way."

"Like Quidditch how?"

"Like the chaser part, except on the ground."

Ron had the "just back away slowly...they won't bite..." look on his face.

Hermione was really ticked off after the old man and the truth's pants incident.

"Look, Ron. You ask. We answer. What more do you want?"

"Uhhh...no more bizzare Muggle artifacts?"

"You asked for it..."

Harry sighed. He couldn't take much more of this.

"Let's just get onto the train already."

"We can if Ron over here will stop being thick."

"You have to stop explaining things!"

"You asked for it." Ron shot back, while pushing through filled compartments.

"Just...SHUT UP ALREADY YOU TWO!" Harry yelled, his face strangely resembling Uncle Vernon's angry face.

"Okay, you all look...angry. What did I miss?" Ginny interrupted.

**A/N: **Heeeehee...New characters! Wheee! Now reeeevieeewwww!!!


	6. Thursday? Wednesday? Cliffie?

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Thanks to all my reviewers! I meant to write earlier, but I was short on time.**

**Pedagogie-Thanks!**

**Arx512: Great idea! I think I'll do that. **

**Lina and Mio: Thank you.**

Yay! My first chappie in first person! Wheeeeeeeee!

**Chapter Six:** Wednesday? Thursday? Huh? 

**"Wednesday is the new Thursday.'' **

I knew Professor Dumbledore was philosophical, but that was just going too far.

"How could Wednesday be the new Thursday? Dumbledore's smart, but not THAT smart," I pondered in the girls' dormitory.

Hermione responded, "I was thinking the exact same thing. Let's ask Professor McGonagall." She got up and left the room. I followed.

We were quietly conversing about Thursdays and Wednesdays when Snape passed us by. "YOU WERE TALKING IN THE HALLS! 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" He turned on his heel and walked in the other direction.

I was about to open my mouth and curse Snape into oblivion, but Hermione said, "No, Ginny. Dumbledore obviously has enough to deal with already. He might have gone crazy!"

We walked on in silence. Suddenly, an ear-piercing scream shot through the air...

**A/N: **Cliffie!!! I might finish it, I might not...tell me whether you want me to when you review! Gracias!


	7. Madame Maxime's Weight Problems

**Public Eavedropping**

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **Thanks to all my reviewers! And I decided to complete the cliffhanger, this thing might turn into something with and actual PLOT! YAY!

**Disclaimer: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Seven: Madame Maxime's Weight Problems**

"I only move fast for two reasons: One, if it's an emergency and I'm in danger, you know, and two, if there's food around."

Professors McGonagall and Snape came running.

Madame Maxime was taking a leisurely stroll.

"HURRY UP, MY DEAR WOMAN!" Snape bellowed.

"I only move fast for two reasons: One, if it's an emergency and I'm in danger, you know, and two, if there's food around." Madame Maxime replied.

Snape didn't like smart remarks. "A BAJILLION MILLION GAZILLION POINTS FROM BEAUXBATONS!"

"Where did that scream come from?" McGonagall asked Ginny and Hermione.

"It sounded like...the Room of Requirement!" Hermione concluded.

"Hold on. What's the Room of Requirement?" Ron wondered.

Hermione hit him over the head. "Don't be stupid! And where did you come from? You couldn't have appeared straight out of thin air!"

"I did. Little Miss Crazy decided to. What the authoress says, goes."

"Fine. Be that way."

"Where iz zis Room of Requirement?" Madame Maxime asked. "And what does it do?"

Ginny replied, "No time to explain, let's go."

A/N: YES! AN ACTUAL PLOT!


	8. A Suicidal Dumbledore

**Public Eavedropping**

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **Thanks to all my reviewers! And I decided to complete the cliffhanger, this thing might turn into something with and actual PLOT! YAY!

**Disclaimer: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Eight: A Suicidal Dumbledore**

"There's something very compelling about death.''

Madame Maxime, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Snape, and Professor McGonagall ran (or in Madam Maxime's case, powerwalked) as fast as they could. The adults had no clue where the students were leading them, so they were on their guard.

"We need to get in the Room of Requirement. Everyone, concentrate on that and pace back and forth three times." Hermione announced, knowingly.

"Pointless rubbish," Snape replied. "Alohomora!"

Nothing.

Snape began to order Professor McGonagall around in his disbelief. "Minerva, quickly un-Vanish the door!"

The good professor tried. "It doesn't work."

"OPEN! I COMMAND YOU!" Snape screamed.

Nothing.

"REDUCT—"

"STOP!!" Ginny screamed. "How about we just try what Hermione said instead of biting each other's heads off. We're running out of time!"

"Fine, fine..." Snape grumbled.

They did as Hermione told. A nicely polished, brown door appeared in the wall.

"Let's go." She threw open the door.

There lay an old man, blood dripping from the gaping knife wound in his chest. His long white beard was stained red by the blood.

Hermione fainted.

Ginny collapsed.

Madame Maxime gasped.

Professor McGonagall had a nervous breakdown.

Snape had a party. "Oh yeah, he's deaad, he's deaaad!"

"STOP THE MADNESS!!" Harry appeared out of thin air.

"Did the authoress want _you_ here too?" Hermione asked.

"Yup, and now I wish I was back in the common room," Harry said grimly, looking down at the dead Dumbledore.

A party horn blew.

"Wasn't me," Snape said. "I was busy putting up the pinata."

"APRIL FOOOOOOOOOL!" Dumbledore yelled.

"IT'S NOT APRIL!!!!" the students screamed in reply.

"Well, I was just trying to see how bereaved you would be when you saw my corpse. Although death may be another adventure, and there's something very compelling about it, I can wait."

"False alarm," Professor McGonagall sighed.

A walkie talkie sounded. "Snaky, there's a suicidal house elf in the kitchens, banging his head against the frying pans. Also, there are some first years out of bounds, just like Potter in his first year, except we'll catch these ones. Roger that? Report back to HQ ASAP."

"WHAT THE HECK??" everyone yelled.

Snape sighed, then scowled. "Don't ask. EVERYONE, BACK TO YOUR COMMON ROOMS! 500 points each from your respective houses for hearing that message!"

A/N: -plot disappears with a -pop!--Reeeeeeeeevieeewwww while I gather up my little plot bunnies and have a meeting with them to see what's coming next.


	9. Meaty Goodness!

**Public Eavedropping**

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **I decided to keep the plotless madness. (if you're reading this, don't believe that what I just said was true.) And thankies as always to my reviewers!

**Disclaimer: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter Nine: Meaty Goodness!**

"What's your favorite kind of lunch meat?''

It was breakfast, and Ron was bored.

_Not a good sign, _thought Hermione.

He was poking at his eggs, acting like they were the only things left in the world and he couldn't be rid of it.

"Hermione, Harry, I have an extremely important question to ask you."

"What?"

"What's your favorite type of lunch meat?"

Ron smiled expectantly.

Harry and Hermione looked puzzled, and shrugged.

Ron tried to carry on a one-person conversation.

"I like pastrami, but I hate corn beef cause corn beef's nuts and chicken is muchmuchmuch better." Ron went on.

"De kip is mooie don't u goedkeurt het varkensvlees slechter is omdat het enkel echte echte slecht proeft en zo ja stinkt het,"

Harry, Hermione, and Ginny (who arrived because the evil plot bunnies planted her there) stared at him.

Hermione thought he finally cracked.

Harry panicked because Ron was speaking Dutch again.

Ginny smiled because she was proud of him for showing his true colors.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Ha. Ha. Ha," someone in the background yelled. The group turned to see who it was.

**A/N**: Review? Pleasie? This means there'll be a plot! YaY! parade music


	10. Moody and PMS Don't Mix

**Public Eavesdropping **

**By CreativelyCrazy**

**Summary: **A collection of ficlets inspired by the Public Eavesdropping section of the newspaper I subscribe to.

**A/N: **The coolest things in the world are not mine.

**Chapter One: Moody and PMS Don't Mix**

"**Don't piss him off. He'll take off his leg and hit you with it."**

"**Oh, he never does that, he just throws it at me."**

It was Moody again.

Harry remember that it was his "time of the month." He coughed, very loudly, to hide his laughter.

Ginny noticed this. "Shh…"she whispered. "Don't piss him off. He'll take off his leg and hit you with it."

Harry looked taken aback, then recomposed himself. "Oh, he never does that, he just throws it at me." He rubbed the back of his head, taking a shirt from his personal wardrobe of bad memories.

"Shut up. It doesn't hurt, and you know so," she said, punching him lightly on the arm.

"Yes it do--" Harry was cut off, as he knocked heads with Ron. He had just been pushed by Hermione, as punishment for speaking Dutch.

"O oh meu deus Harry coloca fora minha irmã do bebê!" Ron screamed.

Harry was aghast. Portugese?! They hadn't done that one yet!

Suddenly, Moody ran up to them and started beating Ron repeatedly on the head with his wooden leg.

---

**A/N:** Haha, Ron's made out as really stupid. Ron's actually a great character, it's just that he has a lot of…erm…senior moments?


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